In a move that has left many scratching their heads on Friday, June 9, 2023, the US House and Senate has hired Dave Ramsey to balance the United States budget. Ramsey, a financial guru who has made a name for himself by helping people get out of debt, is known for his no-nonsense approach to personal finance. In a statement, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer said that Ramsey was “the best person for the job” and that he was confident that Ramsey would be able to “get our country’s finances back on track.”

The first thing Ramsey convinced Congress to do, was sell all the brand-new, government vehicles that were sitting unused in storage since 2001. The sale of these high-end vehicles reduced the national debt by almost 35%. House Representative Steve Scalise called the Senate’s decision and the results “an absolute miracle.”

However, President Joe Biden was not so sure being debt-free was in the best interest of the country. In a press conference, Biden said that he was “deeply concerned” about the Senate’s decision and that he was “considering all of his options.” He also blamed Republicans for using extremist MAGA tactics and cautioned the media that Schumer has a long history of supporting far-right conservative bills, and that Americans better respect the progressive agenda of Democrats like Mitch McConnell.

The White House has since corrected the President’s obvious mistake and said the that the President was simply suffering from a common mishap that affects many people: he was looking at a list of names and accidentally swapped two of them. The press release goes on to say that the President deeply regrets the error and that he has apologized to both Chuck Schumer and will apologize to Mitch McConnell after he convinces Republicans to pass the 1972 budget. The press release also states that the President is committed to working with both men to get things done for the American people. Sources have since confirmed that the President meant this year’s budget, which has been in the works behind closed doors at cocktail parties, and not the 1972 budget.

Later today, Biden signed an emergency declaration and made Del Walmsley the United States Treasury Secretary. Walmsley, a former investment banker, is known for his experience in the financial industry. In a statement, Biden said that Walmsley was “the best person to lead our country’s financial recovery” and that he was confident that Walmsley would be able to “get our economy back on track.” The White House states that Walmsley has already gone to work and has risen over the debt limit by another $144 trillion. The loan was used to overpay Americans for their real estate, thus completing the President’s socialistic agenda by allowing the federal government to own more real estate than her citizens. According to our records, the US borrowed the money through a secure loan with the US ally, China. This loan from China is no big deal – it’s basically like a mortgage with US soil on the line.

The move by the Senate and the President has sparked a debate about the best way to balance the budget and get the economy back on track. Some people believe that Ramsey’s no-nonsense approach is the best way to go, while others believe that Walmsley’s experience in the financial industry is more valuable as it strengthens our chains to China. Only time will tell who is right. But one thing is for sure: the United States is in for a wild ride.

If you find yourself laughing at anything in this article, please do not be alarmed. It is perfectly normal to laugh at satire. In fact, it is a sign of a healthy sense of humor. So relax, enjoy the article, and don’t take anything too seriously. Afterwards, check out our common-sense Financial Coaching.

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